What to Say (and Not Say) to a Child Who Pulls Their Hair

Finding out your child pulls out their hair can be frightening. You might feel worried, confused, even a bit angry, and then guilty for feeling angry. All of that is normal. What you say next matters, and the good news is that the words that help are simple.

This guide is for parents and carers of children and teenagers who pull their hair, eyebrows or eyelashes. It covers how to bring the subject up, phrases you can use, what to avoid saying, and whether rewards or consequences have a place. If you’re new to hair pulling, our 16 things parents need to know is a good place to start.

How do I bring it up?

Choose a calm, private moment, keep it short, and start by saying you’re on their side. Your first conversation doesn’t need to fix anything. Its job is to show your child that pulling is something they can talk to you about without getting into trouble.

Many children feel deeply embarrassed about pulling. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (a US organisation of children’s mental-health doctors) notes that children often hide pulling to avoid being punished or embarrassed. So the way you open the subject sets the tone for everything after it.

Pick your moment. Choose a time when neither of you is rushed, upset or tired, and when no one else is around. Never bring it up in front of siblings, friends or relatives.
Go side by side. A car journey, a walk or a quiet activity together often feels easier than sitting face to face. Your child can look away and doesn’t feel under a spotlight.
Lead with care, not the hair. Start with how they are, not how their hair looks.
Say what you’ve noticed, gently and once. Keep it factual and free of blame.
Tell them it has a name and that it’s common. Many children are relieved to hear they’re not the only one.
Let them lead. If they don’t want to talk, don’t push. Leave the door open and try again another day.

Side-by-side moments, like a drive, a walk or drawing together, often feel easier for children than a face-to-face talk.

With a very young child, keep it even simpler. Hair pulling in toddlers and very young children is common and often stops on its own. For under-fives, our guide to toddler hair pulling explains what to do.

With a teenager, expect less to be said at first, and respect their privacy. Our guide to trichotillomania in teenagers covers supporting an older child without taking control.

What words help?

Words that help are calm, kind and take the blame away. Your child needs to hear three things: it isn’t their fault, they aren’t alone, and there are people who know how to help.

Here are some phrases you can use or adapt:

To open the subject: “I’ve noticed you’ve been pulling at your hair sometimes. I’m not angry at all. I just wanted you to know you can talk to me about it.”
To take away blame: “Lots of people do this. It has a name, trichotillomania. It’s something your brain and hands do, often without you even deciding to. It’s not your fault.”
To focus on feelings: “Do you notice it more when you’re worried, bored or tired? You don’t have to know. I’m just curious.”
To offer help without pressure: “Some people know a lot about this and have good ideas that help. Would you like us to find out more together?”

Keep your tone matter-of-fact, as if you were talking about something ordinary, like a sore knee. If your child tells you about pulling, thank them. Telling you took courage.

Listen more than you talk, and let silences sit. The UK’s NHS notes that people who talked to others about their pulling found it helped reduce it, so a child who feels safe to talk to you already has something working in their favour.

What should I avoid saying?

Avoid anything that blames, shames, nags or watches. These reactions are common and come from love and worry, but they tend to push pulling out of sight and add to the shame that drives it.

Instead of saying…	Try…
“Just stop it.”	“I know it’s not as simple as stopping. We’ll work it out together.”
“You’re doing it again!”	Say nothing in the moment. If you’ve agreed a private signal, use that, or quietly pass a fidget.
“Why do you do it?”	“Do you notice when it tends to happen?”
“Your hair looks awful.”	Don’t comment on hair at all.
“You’re ruining your eyelashes.”	“How are you feeling at the moment?”
“If you don’t stop, you’ll be grounded.”	“What would make it easier for you right now?”
“At least it’s only your eyebrows.”	“That sounds hard. Thank you for telling me.”

A few more things to avoid:

Checking or inspecting their hair. Looking closely at their scalp, brows or lashes, or asking to see them, makes children feel watched. Aim for home to be the one place where their hair is never examined.
Reminders and nagging. Constant “hands down” comments turn you into the pulling police. Children often pull more, and more secretly, when they feel monitored.
Talking about it in front of others, including jokes, even kind ones.
Comparisons, such as “Your cousin managed to stop.”
Blaming yourself out loud, such as “What did I do wrong?” Your child may hear that they’ve caused you pain.

Research on family life and trich is still limited, and it can’t tell us what causes what. Two studies of teenagers with trich found they were more likely than other teenagers to describe their families as having more conflict and less support, or their parents as stricter. That doesn’t mean parents cause trich. Pulling puts strain on the whole family, and parents often feel worried and ashamed too. It does suggest that a warm, low-conflict approach is worth aiming for.

Should I use rewards or consequences?

Skip punishments and consequences completely. Rewards can help, but only for effort and practice, never for hair growth or “pull-free” days.

Why not consequences? Pulling isn’t a choice your child can switch off, so punishing it doesn’t teach them anything useful. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says punishment is unlikely to reduce pulling and can lead to problems with self-esteem. It also teaches children to hide it, which makes it harder for anyone to help.

Why rewards for effort work better. The best-studied treatment for trich is Habit Reversal Training (HRT). It’s a type of behaviour therapy that teaches a child to notice when they’re about to pull and to do something else with their hands instead, such as making a fist or squeezing a stress ball (this is called a competing response). In therapy for young people, a parent is often trained as a “support person” who praises the child when they use these new skills and points out warning signs in a kind, uncritical way. That’s the kind of reward research supports: warm praise for trying.

Reward this	Don’t reward or punish this
Using a fidget or competing response	Number of hairs pulled
Telling you about an urge or a pull	Hair, brows or lashes growing back
Going to therapy sessions	A “perfect” day or week
Practising a new skill, even when it didn’t work	Looking “normal” for an event

Praise the practising, like using a fidget or telling you about an urge, not the hair.

Rewarding pull-free days sounds sensible, but a child who pulls after a good run may feel they’ve failed, and may start hiding pulling to protect the reward. Rewards for effort can’t be “lost” that way.

Keep rewards small and agree them with your child. For a younger child, a sticker chart for practising their fidget each evening can work well. For a teenager, praise and a bit of extra independence usually mean more than stickers. If your child is seeing a therapist, ask how to match what you do at home with what they’re working on in sessions. Our guide to Habit Reversal Training explains the steps.

What if my child doesn’t want to talk about it?

Respect it, and keep the door open. Pushing a child who isn’t ready usually makes them close down further. You might say, “That’s fine. If you ever want to talk, or want help, just tell me. I won’t be upset.”

Then show them you meant it: don’t bring it up every day, keep fidgets around the house without comment, and treat them exactly as you always have. Many children come back to the subject once they’ve seen you stay calm.

If pulling is worsening, affecting their mood, or leading to noticeable hair loss, you can still get advice as a parent. Talk to your child’s doctor or a practitioner who understands hair pulling, even before your child is ready to go themselves.

When should I get help?

Get help if pulling is leaving noticeable patches, upsetting your child, affecting school or friendships, or hasn’t eased after a few months. You don’t need to wait for it to get worse.

Behaviour therapy has the most research behind it for young people, though there are still only a few studies in children. In one trial, 3 in 4 children and teenagers who had eight weeks of behaviour therapy improved a lot, and most kept their progress six months later. Our complete guide has a section on trichotillomania in children and teenagers with more on treatment options.

Many doctors and therapists have never worked with a child who pulls. Everyone in our directory has told us they understand trichotillomania and already help people who pull, in person or online. You can search the directory. Our guide to finding someone who understands trich explains what to ask on a first call.

For a fuller plan for home, start with The Parent’s Guide to Trichotillomania: understanding what your child is going through.

If your child seems very low, withdrawn or hopeless, or talks about hurting themselves, get help today.

In an emergency, call your local emergency number or go to your nearest emergency department.

Find a helpline (international directory) (findahelpline.com)

Questions people ask

Should I pretend I haven’t noticed my child pulling?

No. Ignoring it can leave your child feeling they have to hide it alone. You don’t need to comment every time you see pulling, but one calm, private conversation lets them know you’ve noticed, you’re not angry, and help exists.

My child denies pulling their hair. What should I do?

Don’t push for a confession. Denial usually comes from embarrassment. Say something like “OK. If it ever does happen, you can tell me and I won’t be upset,” and leave the door open. Many children come back to the topic in their own time.

Should I tell my child’s teacher or other family members?

Talk to your child first and, where you can, agree together who needs to know and what to say. Children are more likely to trust you if they don’t find out later that people were told behind their back. Keep what you share short and practical.

Is it OK to use the word trichotillomania with a young child?

Yes, if it helps. Some children are relieved to hear that what they do has a name and that other people have it too. Younger children may prefer a simpler phrase such as “your pulling” or “the hair-pulling habit your brain gets stuck on”. Follow their lead.

What if my child’s brothers or sisters tease them?

Step in calmly and privately with the sibling. Explain in simple words that pulling is something their brother or sister can’t just stop, and that teasing makes it harder. Ask siblings not to point out pulling either, even kindly.

Can talking about it make the pulling worse?

A calm, kind conversation is unlikely to make pulling worse. What tends to backfire is frequent reminders, watching closely and criticism, which can add shame and push pulling out of sight. Keep talks short, low-key and led by your child where you can.

What if I’ve already shouted or punished my child for pulling?

Most parents have reacted badly at some point, usually out of worry. Tell your child you’ve learned more about it and that you were wrong to get angry. A simple apology shows them it’s safe to talk to you from now on.